Sometimes the best thing you can do when you are feelin’ “some sortta way” is to turn your pen to paper – or in this case, your fingers to your keyboard.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room – or the elephant that is always in the room with me – my issues with food. I feel like they are always something I try to hide, ignore, or pretend don’t exist while they literally LOOM over me in so many situations. Imagine going into a buffet feeling in control, walking around and just sort of picking things here and there: a salad (of course…gotta be healthy), maybe some fresh fruits and veggies because they look so brightly colored and enticing. And then..this elephant behind you forcibly starts pushing you – like a total A-Hole- towards the Mac n Cheese, Pizza, Tacos, Soft Serve, 7 different kinds of cake (and Lord knows you have to try them all!) and so on. That’s sort of how every interaction with food goes for me….and sometimes I can get his ass under control and other times he takes me for a wild ride that is in no way “wild” in a fun way.
As a “health & fitness coach” it is not anything you might assume that I struggle with, but the reality is, I struggle with it every day on a level that many people do not understand or realize.
It’s not just that I like food. It’s not that I just CHOOSE to do certain things, it is almost as if there is no thought process when it is happening. It just – happens. And when it happens it is the lowest of the low feelings that follow. Shame. Guilt. Embarrassment. Anger. Hatred. It all wells up inside and eats away at me like a disease. It sucks!! And no, I don’t purge. I don’t go workout like crazy or anything like that – I just carry on with my life and feel horrible about it (esp. now with my food sensitives — doesn’t stop me!)
I wish I could really explain how this all works, but I can’t. I could be doing great, eating well, working out, feeling great and out of nowhere. Bam. I binge. Again, it is as if the mind literally just sort of fogs over. I don’t think about goals. I don’t think about long term issues. I don’t think about how I feel every.damn.time. this happens – it just happens again. It is one of the most defeating feelings you could ever face – ESPECIALLY as someone who tries to help others overcome their own issues with food! It’s not constant, it comes in waves. But it happens and I refuse, as a health and fitness coach, to pretend like it doesn’t. I refuse to allow this to be an issue I keep hidden from those of you who have followed my journey for YEARS because I feel like there are more like me out there, that maybe don’t have the courage to be so open and honest about what is going on.
If that is you – you have officially found someone to talk to.
Does this make me a fraud as a coach? I don’t think so. I think I’d be more of a fraud if I wasn’t open and honest about it. If anything, I think this helps not only my clients, but it also helps me along my journey, as well. If a client comes to me seeking help and we are working together and they slip up, I can talk and help them in a way that will move them forward – not make them feel more misunderstood because the person doesn’t understand that what just happened wasn’t a lack of willpower or meal planning – but it was something more complicated. We can grow and overcome struggles together. We can learn how to overcome together. It becomes a team effort. Women building each other up rather than women dictating how things ought to be (and let me just say that if you have a handle on things and that is how you best are driven or that is how you drive others – there isn’t ANYTHING wrong with that – but in a situation like this it probably wouldn’t fare well).
Here’s the thing – I do try and keep a healthy lifestyle. Shakeology helps with that TREMENDOUSLY as it helps me to curb cravings for sweets or salty items. I can honestly say that cravings RARELY happen at all anymore (which is great), but it doesn’t completely eliminate the problem because the problem is rooted a bit deeper than just “I’m bored – let’s eat”. Problem is – I have no idea where it started! I’ve been like this as long as I can remember. But I do try. I pre-plan my meals, I choose healthy options when I’m out with friends — the problems sneak up when I’m alone and no one is watching. I feel this random blog post is now this huge opening gateway to discovery…so be it. I’m ready to figure it out.
I originally titled 2016 as “The Year of Me” – it was a time to focus on myself more, figure out what I really wanted out of my business and my life, and just own whatever made me happy – even if it was going against the grain. I guess this is another chapter in that book. Something to make me turn the page in a happier direction moving forward. This is just one of those things that had to happen and break me down in a way to build me up- and I hope you’re ready to watch that journey unfold 🙂
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